2016

I have sat and thought a lot about what I am going to say in this post. So much has happened this year, its been rough but it also has been a blessing. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? I learned a lot this year. First of all the biggest thing I learned that I definitely paid for was listening to bad feelings. I learned what true friendship was, and saw the ones who cared and saw the ones who didn't. I learned about priorities and what really is important in life. I learned of death and that death is not the end. I learned patience. Maybe I didn't learn patience but I tolerated patience. I learned and always knew that no matter what happens in life that you and your spouse are all that matters.

Lets start off with January. Chris was working at the juvenile detention center 45 minuets away from our house. This was a wonderful job opportunity that we both felt so good about. It started to become rough. He was gone all the time and we never saw each other. He would get calls in the middle of the night and he would have to leave or he would come home early hours in the morning. It was rough on us, I began to think he did't like me anymore. He wasn't himself, he never teased me anymore, never grabbed me, he was kind of like a zombie. It also scared me to death as he left work every morning to drive on snowy roads, I would beg and plead with the Lord every morning that he would make it to work and back safely. We were so confused as to why we both had a strong feeling why he should take that job. We started to look for houses in a small town 20 minuets away so we could be closer to his job. I started collecting boxes and getting the house ready to sell. Chris then had the feeling that we shouldn't move and I was mad because I wanted a bigger kitchen and another bathroom. Why shouldn't we move? It was so much closer to work. June came, just hours after hearing my grandpa passed away, we got the news that the detention center lost funding and Chris would be getting laid off.  Worst day ever. Now we were really confused as to WHY he was supposed to take that job. We still don't know. 6 months later and here we are still jobless. These have been the hardest 6 months we have had. I have no idea how we have done it but financially we have been just fine. The Lord has definitely blessed us and I thank him everyday for it.  I got a pay raise that was amazing, and my boss was kind enough to pay Chris to do odd jobs for him. Emotionally it has been hard. Our whole lives have been messed up. We are within reach of a new job for Chris. Literally it is within arms length and we have been waiting months for this and it is almost here. I don't want to spoil it though, but I do believe this job will be a blessing and the last job prepared Chris for it. We are literally at the end of un-employment checks, and I feel this job may be that literal last second life saver.

February I became President of Idaho-Women of Caliber. I loved what the club did for me and how it made me braver and stronger. I wanted to help other women get introduced to firearms and to feel comfortable with shooting. I have been president and held a few leadership roles over the years such as, Young Women's President, Camp Director, I was captain of my cheerleading team in high school, I was class president of my institute class and then became the student club president of LDSSA when I attended ISU. I felt like this was something I could do no problem. This is what I was talking about when I said in the beginning about "listening to bad feelings" I did have a bad feeling about it but I thought that was just me doubting myself and I let the excitement overshadow my bad feeling. This is where I learned of priorities as well. I watched people's lives and how shooting consumed it and how that's all they had, they have nothing else. I let that happen to me and it reflected on my marriage. I love shooting and helping other women and competing, but I also learned I needed to re-focus my priorities. Towards the end of the year I realized that I had other friends, other hobbies and interests, a wonderful home and husband and an education to focus on. I hadn't been to Zumba in a long time and I have been going more and I forgot how good it makes me feel. Zumba makes me feel sexy and confident and I lost sight of that. I have been trying to go more often now when life lets me. The club was shut down in September because it needed proper paperwork in order. I felt like I failed and that I didn't get the support or appreciation I needed. I even tried turning in my things and quitting but wasn't allowed to. I felt like I really did so much, I was a kind  friendly person there to help support other women but I felt like that I was torn down instead. Don't get me wrong, I did meet some wonderful people and cherish our friendships. Do I regret it? No, because we learn from our mistakes and there were good times. Do I wished I had listened? Absolutely. This coming year I want to still be involved in shooting and competing, but I do not want to be part of the club, I believe there is a time and a season for all things and this is not my season any more. I realized how much my family, zumba, and my education is important to me right now. I need to re-focus my priorities. I will shoot when I want for fun. I still want all women to know how to shoot and become familiar with guns, that was my whole goal as president and I am ALWAYS willing to take a friend out to the range.

In August of 2015 Chris and I started doing Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) to try to get pregnant. The most amazing woman I know, Mama Jo, AKA Rachel is a midwife. We were doing them with her. She was such a blessing in our lives to be able to do this. Its not everyday I get to show my lady bits to one of my best friends. But it was a beautiful process to go though with not just a midwife, but someone who means a lot to you. I wanted her to get me pregnant so; 1. she would automatically become my child's godmother 2. I would tell all our friends Mama Jo impregnated me 3. So I could share the story with my children that a dear friend of mine helped mom and dad have a baby. Well, The damn woman decided to find a job, in all the places in the world, in RHODE ISLAND! How crazy is it that she found a job where I am from! The lunatic moved away from me this April. We didn't get pregnant, but that's ok, she can still be our kids god mother. Fairy God Mother? No. Crazed Lunatic Nuts Inappropriate God Mother? You betcha!  When she moved away we decided to go to a infertility specialist. THEN Chris lost his job soon after our appointment with the specialist. All my baby dreams went down the drain. I think that was the most upsetting when Chris lost his job. The Lord knows what he is doing and I need to trust that. Once Chris gets this new job, that is the first thing I am going to do is make an appointment with a specialist again, to see if IVF is the route for us or weigh our other options. Last year I was so depressed with our infertility that I was contemplating suicide. I really could not take the pain and hurt anymore and I wanted to end it. Chris and I had some rough nights and I can't believe I was ever like that. Now, I think I am numb and at the point where it hurts, but I just don't care anymore. Its been 9 years, what's another one?

Here is a good thing that happened! In April the detention center sent Chris to a training in Las Vegas! Vegas is my most absolute favorite place! They paid for his gas to drive down, his hotel and his food. I tagged along and all we had to pay for was my food. This was an amazing vacation for me. When Chris was in his training I laid by the pool alllll dayyyy long. It was wonderful. Sad for Chris he didn't get to rest much but we did have fun while we were there.

A few short weeks after our trip to Vegas we found out my 92 year old grandpa was not doing very well. We were saving up to go out to Rhode Island for my 10 year high school reunion. Chris and I decided it would be best to just send me out within the next couple months to see my grandpa before he passed. Just days after that we got word my family in RI that he was not going to make it much longer. This was Monday, I bought a plane ticket for my dad and I that day to fly out on Wednesday. Talk about stress! Have you ever tried packing and getting ready for an unexpected trip across the country in ONE DAY. I don't recommend it, especially for a girl, it takes lots of time and thought to plan out the perfect outfits. We flew into Boston and took the train to providence where Rachel picked us up at the train station in the bear suit. It was such a blessing that she was there! It just so happened that the next day after we were there she was flying back to Idaho to visit her family and I could drive her car while she was gone. The Lord's hand was definitely in that. Sometimes I even think that she moved away at that time because at that specific time I needed her there in Rhode Island for help and support while I was there. The week we were there was the most memorable time. I saw my grandpa every single day. I sat with him as he watched the Sox play on TV (something I will never forget) I loved sitting with my grandpa and asking him questions about his life and his family. One tip I have to give you: Your family history is within your elderly relatives, when they are gone, it is all gone. You must ask the questions and know about their lives or they will be lost forever.  I found tons of old family pictures, I spent my time in cemeteries searching for ancestors, and I had the best time with my best friends. It was really one of the best trips I had and I thank my friends for it. We all have friends that come and go in our lives and sometimes we are blessed with friends that will always be there. Friends that you can go years without seeing and then spend a week with each other like time has not passed. The trip was rough for my dad because my grandpa was his hero. Thinking about this now brings tears to my eyes and how much of a blessing it was to be there with my grandpa while he was dying, it was a very humbling special moment to share. I have never had an experience like that before, watching a grandparent die. When my grandma died I was a newly wed living in Washington and couldn't make it out. It is so special to share someones life with them, to sit with them on their last days, and reflect everything they did in their lives, the memories you shared with them, memories of their childhood, with the parents, of their siblings and raising a family. Hearing the story of how my grandparents met was so sweet. I wrote everything down and I won't forget it. When it was time to leave I lost it. Watching my dad say goodbye to his dad was hard and precious. I remember my grandpas last words to me "Take care of your family like you took care of me, you guys have to stick together."

In June my sister had a baby. I got to spend the summer with my nephew, her oldest. I would pick him up on my days off to give her time alone with the baby. I loved our summer together, we spent most of it at the pool with my best friend Jenni! Who sadly moved away too!

I got heat stroke or exhaustion this year and had to get an IV. That was fun! We went to Twin Falls to shoot in a match and it was close to 100 out. The ride home I felt sick and kept throwing  up. We took me into Urgent Care and they pumped me with fluids and I was good as new.

Chris lost a dear friend of his earlier this year too, so we  also drove to Twin Falls to attend the funeral and show support to the family and his friend.

 I have never actually mentioned this in my blog but I watched a loved one go through alcoholism and attempted suicide. It was rough and heart breaking and I did my best to be a support and help, by taking them to the ER, treatments and going to AA meetings with them. I think this was rough for all involved and took a toll on those who cared about our loved one.

I chopped off my hair, and I found out I was blind and got new glasses. I was interviewed by the news about our infertility story. I have loved my job and loved all my dear friends and their support I have had from them this year. I had made many new friends this year and I appreciate their friendship. For babysitting my sister paid for a Luke Bryan ticket for me and it was amazing!

Most of all I learned that no matter what happens in life Chris and I are in it together. It was rough but we were together through it all. I love him so much and all the insight and support he has given me. I am grateful for the trails 2016 brought us for it made us stronger, and I am hopeful 2017 will be better