Infertility Etiquette.

This is the start of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week.) I wanted to write a post on infertility etiquette. Some of these things have happened personally, and some of these things have happened to others that I have heard about. These memes I am putting on here are for pure entertainment, so please don’t get offended. I have a bunch of them saved from over the years on my Pinterest board. Sometimes humor helps you get over depression and these gave me a good laugh.  Some of them are in no way how I actually felt, but I know some ladies who are dealing with infertility have felt like that in one point of their journey. It’s just supposed to be funny. So laugh.

You probably know someone with infertility. It affects 1 in 8 couples, for many different reasons. It is hard to properly put into words the pain of infertility. Imagine wanting something so bad, more than anything in the whole world, and get denied that one thing month after month. Month after month you are reminded that you are a failure of a woman. Even though you are in no way a failure, that is honestly how it feels. You failed as a woman and cannot do the one thing you were meant to do. You feel broken and hopeless and like no one really understands what it is like, unless they have been through it themselves.

I went to my OB appointment this week and the Dr. said something funny and so true. He said, “People say stupid things to pregnant women.” I thought it was funny and it also made me think that people say stupid things to infertile women too. I think everyone should just be a little cautious as to what they say around women who can’t have children. Sometimes you don’t know that they can’t have children, and that is not your fault, you didn’t know. Or you may think what you are saying is helpful, but it really is hurtful. Infertility is a sensitive subject and every woman handles it differently. Some women are very closed off about it and others are open. I am rather open, although I have kept many things private, that friends and family just wouldn’t understand.  But here are some tips that can help us all avoid some awkwardness or a punch in the face. (Again, humor is healing, just laugh, I'm joking here.)

1. NEVER ask a woman or couple when they are going to have kids. Don’t ask ever, period. It is none of your business. It may be innocent small talk, but for some women it can be very hurtful or they are just plain tired of hearing that question. Do you ever think newlyweds get tired of hearing, “so when are you going to have kids?” You have no idea what either one of the couple has been previously diagnosed with before their marriage.  You asking this to a couple you know have been married for quite a long time, can make any one of them go home and cry and feel worthless, because maybe that couple has been struggling to get pregnant and you asking that question triggers hurt and reminds them that they just can’t have children. One time I had a random girl ask me how long I had been married and I think I told her 9 years, people then assume since you have been married that long that you have several children, so she asked me how many kids I had and I said I didn’t have any. Her response: “Wow that’s a long time.” [Insert face palm emoji.] I’ve always wanted to respond with, “ I’ll have kids as soon as you give me $10,000 to make it happen.”

2. Don’t ask why a couple why they haven’t had any children yet. Again, it is none of your business. It is between the husband, wife and God. A couple could have been going through a very rough time trying to get pregnant, and you asking this brings up all those emotions and reminds them that yet again, they are not good enough and have failed. Or get this, some couples don't want kids! Children are not for everyone and some people have their reasons, and their choice is not your business. 

3.  Never ask why a couple can’t have children. There are MANY reasons that cause infertility.  It is a very personal question. Couples don’t want to admit why their body doesn’t work and nor do they feel like telling you what body part it is that doesn’t work. We know this is small talk and you’re being curious but some people feel like a failure when their body doesn’t work right, or its just plain embarrassing to say "low sperm count." 

4. NEVER ever ever ever ever ever tell someone to “just relax, it’ll happen” No Susan, Infertility is an actual disease that is not curable by “just relaxing.” Just relaxing won’t heal someone’s blocked tubes, tilted uterus, poor egg quality, Endometriosis, chronic illness etc…

5. “My friends, cousins, brothers, wife went through the same thing and did this and got pregnant” Like I said above there are many reasons for infertility and every female is different and everyone’s bodies work differently, so what worked for Karen is not going to work for Elizabeth. Maybe Karen did some voodoo and it magically worked, but Elizabeth has to do IVF because her eggs just don’t work. “Are you lying upside down after intercourse?” First of all, I am not telling you any bit of my sex life, and I am pretty sure I have done everything in the book to try to get pregnant so your home remedies are just not going to help. You may think you are trying to be helpful, and we 

appreciate your concern, but a low functioning thyroid is just not going to get fixed by acupuncture.

6. “It took us three months to get pregnant.” Infertility is defined as a couple trying to get pregnant and not succeeding for one year. Sometimes couple don’t get pregnant on the first month and it will take two or three months to get pregnant, but that is not infertility and you don’t get all the procedures, test, exams, blood works, shots, medicines, and hurt that I have been through.

7. “Just adopt.” You can’t “just adopt.” IVF costs about $13,000 and adoption is $30,000.  I don’t know why adoption is so much money and it breaks my heart because if it was cheaper I’d be a mother of ten right now. For adoption, you run the risk of not getting picked. Or I have read stories that a birth mother will pick you, then once that birth mother gets that precious baby into their arms, they decide that they want to keep the baby and all your hopes and dreams you were counting on for the last nine months are out the window. As much as I would love for every unwanted child to have a home, there is a strong desire as a female to bear and birth your own child, and you can’t just change that.

8. “You can have my kids” I don’t want your snotty obnoxious kids. I want my own snotty nosed kids. Love the precious gifts that you have and appreciate the fact that you can have, bear and birth your own children!

9. “Just enjoy your quite time and the fact that you can sleep in.” Guess what? I WANT to lose sleep over a newborn, I WANT to have stretch marks and get fat, I WANT to have noisy children running around, I WANT to take a crying toddler to the supermarket, I WANT to have a messy house from children’s toys or stinky diapers, I want it so bad that I cry myself to sleep over it.

10. Don’t complain about your pregnancy. Now this is something that I have worked so hard at doing since I have been pregnant since it sucks to hear pregnant woman complain about a precious gift they are carrying that you can’t have. It’s awful to hear a woman complain about something you can't have. Now, my pregnancy symptoms have been very minimal and very bearable and I’m going on week 12. But I keep reminding myself that the pain of infertility is much worse than my back pain nausea or sore boobs. Trust me, infertility is much much worse.  My back hurts once in a while and it was hurting me yesterday. I looked at Chris and said, “if I knew pregnancy was going to be like this, I’d do IVF all over again.” No amount of pain and discomfort is ever ever too much for the happiness and joy that I have being pregnant with a miracle. 

Now these are not necessarily things that anyone in particular have said to me, but being in the TTC world, ( trying to conceive) you get to see what other ladies are going through. What can you say to someone who is going through infertility? There is actually nothing that can fix it or make anyone feel better, but all you really can say is. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I am here for you.” That’s all we want, we just want to know that someone cares and is thinking about us.