PTSD

Thinking about writing this post is making my heart race, and sick. I want to open up about my PTSD, I want my friends and family to know why I have this and what happened. Most people think of PTSD as something only people in the military get. I found this definition of PTSD fromhttp://www.nimh.nih.gov/ “PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes"

These pictures are the reason I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Chris and I went to Island Park, Idaho to his Uncle's cabin for our honeymoon. It was November so it was cold and snowy, especially in the mountains where we were. On our way home for Thanksgiving it snowed before we left. We were driving down Ashton hill, the lane changed from two lanes to one. When Chris merged into the one lane we hit black ice and lost control of the car. We spun out onto the other side of the road, and a car coming up the hill hit us head on. It happened so fast, my brain could not comprehend what had just happened. The first thing I thought was "the car is going to explode" The first thing I did was tear my seatbelt off and start running down the highway. I felt no pain at that moment, just the thought that I was going to die. Chris came running after me (with a broken ankle) and finally when my brain caught up I could feel pain. Writing this right now I can remember the pain in my face from the airbag and the pain in my broken ribs from the seatbelt. Since we were in the mountains we waited outside in the freezing cold for 2 hours for an ambulance to come. A police officer came, and let me sit in the back of his car. I could not find a comfortable way to sit. I was bleeding and bruised and had no idea what was broken and what wasn’t. This was all a blur. I have no idea what Chris was doing at this point. The ambulance came, I ended up on the stretcher and do not remember how. My mom’s brother lives in Island Park and was able to contact him. He came right when the ambulance was taking me. I remember lying on the stretcher and seeing his face pop through the door and I felt a sigh of relief for just a moment. I think he stayed back to help clear all the debris off the road and get our stuff. I remember a few things from the ambulance ride. I had to pee so badly and it was an hour to the hospital, the EMT had to cut off my favorite jeans and I felt the instant PTSD. The whole ride down to the hospital I felt like the ambulance was going to slide of the road, and we would die. I felt like I had no control over the situation being tied down to the stretcher. We pulled into to hospital and my mom was there waiting and jumped ONTO the ambulance and road it till it pulled into the garage. The rest was all a blur. I remember x rays, and we had some blessings from close friends of ours.

We were able to spend the night at home; we stayed at my mother in laws. The next day was Thanksgiving. I had so much to be thankful for. I was so thankful that we were alive. The next day we had to go car shopping. Chris was getting his master’s degree at Eastern Washington University; he came home during the Thanksgiving break so we could get married. We were supposed to move to Washington together but could not do it until we found a car. We found a car and it was time to move. My first time moving away from home. It was hard to say goodbye, to go and be a wife all on my own. The Drive to Washington was terrible. The whole time I had flashbacks of the wreck and kept thinking I was going to die. We had to pull over almost every 45 minutes so I could get out of the car. We had to drive over about 3 mountain passes and it was snowing. It was a struggle for me.

I had nightmares for a long time. I would dream about car accidents and wake up right when the car hit. We lived in small down and my license was suspended at the time so I took the city bus into Spokane to my job at the mall. One day I was supposed to open the store and there was a huge snow storm. I was only on the bus for a little while when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I got off the bus and walked all the way home. I called my boss and told her I could not get to work and I could not open the store. This was so embarrassing for me. I didn’t know what was going with me. I kept thinking I was dumb for feeling that way; it was only a car accident.

We eventually moved back home and years later I decided to go into counseling. It didn’t work. Now that I look back, I don’t think my mind was ready to talk about it, to let it go, I wasn’t ready to be healed. I still dealt with the pain every day. I do not trust anyone to drive. I have to be in control of every situation I am in. I make sure I am the driver. I make sure I am in charge so I can be the one to decide to fight or flight. I avoid situations where I do not get to drive myself or be in control. When I drive myself down the road, every intersection I drive through, in my head there is a car coming across and not stopping every.single.time. 8 years later and it still happens. I slowdown in intersections so the impact would be less if someone hit me. I stress myself out about it every single day. I have frequent heart palpitations. I wore a heart monitor to see what was wrong and the Doctor found nothing. We ruled it out as stress from my PTSD and anxiety. I was on anti-depressants for a while and I think it just masked the pain. I didn’t want to take them anymore so I stopped. When it snows I try my best to not go anywhere and I will not let Chris drive.

I used to be brave. I wasn't scared of anything. Since the car accident EVERYTHING scares me. I have pretty bad anxiety from it. When I leave the house I have to check if the stove is on. I will not leave the house if the dryer is on, I turn it off. I check my  hair straightener several times to make sure it is turned off before I leave, in fear of my house catching on fire. I check my alarm clock nearly 5 times before I go to bed to make sure it is on. Any machinery scared me. I refused to use an electric can opener. I was terrified of guns. Chris was into shooting and it took everything I had in me to be able to shoot a .22. In my head, the gun was somehow going to turn around and shoot me. I walk or drive over a bridge, the bridge is going to collapse or I am going to fall off. We took a train in Boston one time, and the train was going to fall of the tracks. And the planes we ride on, they are all going to crash and I will die. The pain is real. The pain hurts my head. I have given myself a head ache from thinking of all this.

A year ago we decided I needed counseling again. I went to a special counselor that was trained in EMDR.  I found this definition on wikipedia.com" Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro that emphasizes disturbing memories as the cause of psychopathology.[1][2] It is used to help with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).[3] According to Shapiro, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed and stored in an isolated memory network. [1]

EMDR therapy is better than no treatment and similar to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in chronic PTSD. [4][5] The goal of EMDR is to reduce the long-lasting effects of distressing memories by developing more adaptive coping mechanisms. The therapy uses an eight-phase approach that includes having the patient recall distressing images while receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, such as side to side eye movements.[6] EMDR was originally developed to treat adults with PTSD; however, it is also used to treat other conditions and children.[7]"

I felt like it worked. I found something that finally worked. I was finally able to let go. The EMDR therapy worked wonders on me. I felt normal again, I felt free. But only for a few months. I had a very stressful summer, some personal situations happened and all the stress reversed everything my brain had taught itself not to do. I reversed the EMDR therapy. I had a few dreams again; driving is still hard, I have flashbacks and pictures of cars hitting me head on and me dying.

During my time in counseling I joined a shooting club. I was so scared and had no idea why I joined. The idea of shooting a gun scared me. But my counselor helped me through it She made me believe I could do it and that I wasn’t scared. I did my first shooting match with them with a .22 and it wasn’t too bad. I decided I liked the competition and that it was something that I wanted to do. They had a big USPSA match coming up and I decided to sign up. Only 3 days before the match I found out you had to shoot a 9mm or bigger. I had never shot a 9mm before. Right then I decided to back out. I couldn’t do it. The gun was going to explode and I was going to die. But something in me told me I could do it. I went home and told Chris he needed to take me to the range right then and let me shoot his Glock 9mm. I shot it and I didn’t die. The gun didn’t explode, it didn’t turn around and shoot me, and it didn’t fall out of my hand from the recoil. I did it. I couldn’t believe I shot something bigger than a .22. A couple days later was the match. I only shot the 9mm twice in my life at this point (I went back to the range again and shot it again before the match) We pulled into the range and I started crying. What was I thinking? I was just a dumb little girl who knew nothing about guns and I was scared to death. I wiped my face off and started the match. The match was amazing. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever done. I got very last place, but I did it and I didn’t die. Everyone was so helpful and supportive. I decided then, that this was my thing. I think that match helped me mentally, more than anyone could imagine. I think that is why I love Glock guns so much. My Glock was a symbol of my bravery; it was a symbol of overcoming my anxiety over shooting. I haven’t stopped shooting since. I have joined the competition team and shoot almost weekly in USPSA matches. I no longer have a fear of the gun exploding or turning around and shooting me. At this point I have let myself shoot a .40 and a .45. I have not let myself shoot a shotgun yet. I think shooting saved me. It saved me from myself, from the hurt and the pain I deal with every day. As of last night I am now the president of this club. To think a year ago I couldn’t shoot a .22 without thinking I was going to die, and here I am. I have met what I think are some of the best people in the world through shooting, I have been given so much support and encouragement.

I am now back on anti-depressants. I had some pretty dark times these last few months where I just wanted to die and not live anymore, I did not care if I lived. My infertility has been pretty hard on me. I feel like this time the anti-depressants are really helping. I feel happy, and brave. I feel like I’m not scared of everything anymore. Driving still pains me. I still flinch as I drive through intersections, and I still have thoughts that every car coming through an intersection is going to hit me and I am going to die. I think it is time for me to go back to counseling, but I do not feel ready to do it again. I think the PTSD and anxiety will always be with me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the car accident. It is amazing that one car accident can cause so much pain for nearly 9 years. I hope one day my brain will be healed. I hope one day I can forget it all. I hope one day I will be free.